By Scarlett Lewis, Chief Movement Officer
“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.” Chinese Proverb
Blame is a curious thing. When something happens in our world, there seem to be talking heads everywhere blaming something, or someone. Even when things happen in our own lives, we have a tendency to jump quickly to blame. I would be further along but…I am depressed because my parents…My boss is a jerk so I can’t/don’t/won’t…I finished my homework but the dog ate it.
I especially noticed this after the tragedy at Sandy Hook. People pointed fingers in every direction, and even politicized the event, and took sides. I realized finger pointing, fault finding and blaming wasn’t going to solve the safety issue for our children. And it hasn’t.
You know what happens when you point a finger at someone else? You have three fingers pointing back at you!
Why then, does our mind jump to blaming others for what is going on in our own lives and in our communities? The tendency to blame others stems from several psychological and societal factors. The first is an attempt to find a sense of control. As humans, we have a natural desire to make sense of chaos. Blaming others can provide a feeling of understanding and control in a senseless situation.
We also use blame as a psychological defense mechanism. Blaming external factors or individuals can be used as a way of distancing ourselves from a harsh reality and protecting ourselves from expanding deep-seated fears.
The media certainly influences our perspective on issues and, depending on which channel you listen to, curates messaging to align with one political stance or the other. Because our brain’s number one job is to keep us safe, we tend to focus on fearful headlines over ones that bring us feel good news stories. Thus, news outlets often highlight tragedies, controversies, failures, or individuals involved. This can shape public perception and point fingers.
Another interesting occurrence I noticed after Sandy Hook was how blame is used for both political as well as social agendas. Different groups use tragic events to further political or social agendas, pointing blame at certain policies, ideologies, or individuals they oppose.
Blaming can also be used to simplify complex societal issues, like mental health, gun control, or cultural violence, into more digestible narratives. Hey, and if it’s someone else’s fault for not voting one way or another, or adhering to certain political policies, then we don’t have to worry, it’s not on us!
Anger and grief can lead to reactive, fear based thinking, where people seek immediate scapegoats rather than exerting a bit more effort and delving into root causes. When we blame others, for anything in our life, we release responsibility from ourselves. This can seem, on the surface, to reduce stress as well. Interestingly, however, it actually tends to increase anxiety as when we blame, we lose our personal power as well as any control we thought we had!
In the first interview I gave following the tragedy, I told the reporter that I took my part of the responsibility for what happened to my son, Jesse, at Sandy Hook. His safety was my responsibility, and the tragedy happened at his school, in my community. My mom, standing beside me, was nonplussed. ‘Never say you take responsibility,’ she said. ‘It’s not your fault.’ I explained that although it certainly wasn’t my fault the tragedy happened, I needed to take my part of the responsibility in order to be part of the solution.’ In this way, I took back control of my life, and was able to thoughtfully respond with love.
The perpetrator of the crime is at fault and wholly responsible for their actions. We, however, don’t have to be victims as well if we take positive action to do something that helps to move us towards a solution.
Understanding these tendencies is crucial in fostering a more empathetic and constructive dialogue on preventing future tragedies and keeping our kids safe. If each of us took responsibility, rather than blaming, we would move more quickly to a resolution. What does this look like? The first step is making sure your school has a comprehensive essential life skills program that teaches kids to have the courage to face life’s challenges and learn, grow and be strengthened by them. We can do this.
