By Scarlett Lewis, Chief Movement Officer, Choose Love Movement
Shortened version for younger children.
It is the third week of celebrating the ripple effect for Choose Love Awareness Month.
This week we’re focusing on how forgiveness impacts the ripple effect! Remember last week when I said a ripple is very hard to stop, once started. If you can imagine throwing a stone into the water, even if you put your hand in front of a ripple to try to stop it, it still continues out in a circle.
Think about someone that’s hurt your feelings, said something unkind, lied to you, betrayed you. How you respond to that hurt, directly affects the ripple. It’s natural to feel hurt when someone does something unkind, but it’s what YOU choose to do next, that depends on what kind of ripple continues.Yes, the ripple of hurt and negativity was started and landed on you.
The Choice Moment
You can use the Choice Moment to pause, get curious about the hurt coming from that person, knowing hurt people hurt people, and you can choose to thoughtfully respond with love by forgiving.
Remember the act of forgiving doesn’t mean it’s ok, doesn’t mean you forget, or condone the hurtful words or action, it simply means you are not going to continue the hurt in your thoughts, feelings and actions. This, in turn, stops the negative ripple and actually turns it around to positive! You maintain control of yourself and do not perpetuate the hurt. So forgiveness is what can stop the ripple of hurt.
We all get our feelings hurt as humans, and we have two choices when this happens. We can hang on to that hurt in our thoughts and feelings, or, we can forgive and let that hurt go. Sometimes that hurt lives in our memory of what happened in the past. We can choose to reframe and forgive that as well. When you choose to let your hurt thoughts and feelings of painful events and interactions go, you feel better. You are no longer thinking of things in the same way that makes you feel sad and mad. You’ve stripped out the meaning in lessons you’ve learned, and how you’ve grown and been strengthened by the pain. Your mind clears of those negative thoughts, and you can move forward with your personal power intact.
It’s interesting because kids have an easier time with forgiveness than sometimes adults do. Kids don’t have preconceived notions about forgiveness that make it seem impossible, or even unfair. In actuality, it’s a choice that can benefit everything in your life: your relationships, mood, health and happiness. You’re letting go of the ‘ick’, the stuff that weighs us down and keeps us from being the best version of ourselves, having close and rewarding relationships, and being truly happy. The process of forgiveness reminds us that pain and discomfort have a purpose. Those uncomfortable feelings get us out of our comfort zone, and into our growth zone where we can learn, grow as a person, and be strengthened. Then, once we forgive, we take this upgraded version of ourselves into the world, and we’re better able to handle the next challenge that comes along. Otherwise our hurt layers upon itself within us, kind of like an onion has layers, in our mind and body, and can cause damage to our physical and mental health and wellbeing.
When something painful happens, someone hurts our feelings, someone posts something online that is unkind, we get left out, or even bullied, We can use the choice moment to pause in between what’s happening and our response, and get curious: first, about what kind of pain the other person must be in to be unkind. We know hurt people hurt people. Then, about what this difficulty is teaching us, and how it will help ultimately strengthen us.
Whether we continue to suffer in our thoughts and feelings, or be strengthened and move on, depends on how we choose to respond: whether we let it go by forgiving, or continue to think about it, over and over, and allow it to fester and bother us. We don’t have to be attached to a painful past.
“You either win or you learn.” Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles, Super Bowl MVP
We can, however, be grateful for the lessons we learned, personal growth, and strength that we gained through the challenges in our lives. Those challenges are what makes us who we are, unique and special, unlike anyone else in the world. We all experience hurt and pain, but the good news is that it helps us to become the person we are supposed to be, and gives us the courage and strength to live out our purpose in life. Each one of us has a special reason and purpose for being here, that only we can fulfill. There is a one in 4 trillion chance that you would even be born, and now you’re here! There’s a reason that you’re here, and one of those reasons is to love and be loved! Forgiveness helps us let go of a painful past and move forward with our personal power intact! When we forgive, we no longer let the person who hurt us have control over our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Are you holding onto a grudge? Have you ever had thoughts of revenge? Of course you have, we’re human! Here’s where the ripple effect comes in with forgiveness. The words or actions that hurt you, have a ripple effect.
When you choose to forgive, you stop the ripple of negativity.
You see how it could continue with you thinking angry thoughts and feeling hurt and then sending that ripple out, but when you forgive, you feel better, and you also model this for others. Instead of staying stuck in anger and resentment, you begin to see through a new lens, it’s cleared of pain and negativity. You do this first in your thoughts and heart, then, depending on the situation, you can express that forgiveness, if it’s safe to do so forgiveness helps to repair the relationship.
So instead of continuing the ripples of negativity and pain, you’re sending out ripples of love when you forgive. When the ripple of forgiveness reaches another person, they notice and feel better, and consider forgiving as well. Reflection happens, they forgive, and a ripple of love extends out from them, and now you’ve helped to create a more understanding and compassionate community, and this continues to ripple out to the world! Think for a moment what our world would be like if people knew the power of forgiveness and how to practice it? There would still be misunderstandings and disagreements, there would still be feelings that got hurt and anger, but these would be resolved and not carried forward as they have been, sometimes for centuries. Hate, which stems from intense and prolonged anger and fear, and even war would be a thing of the past.
Here’s the most incredible thing about forgiveness.
If there’s been a ripple that started out of anger, resentment, frustration, and even hatred from you or someone else, it can be stopped with forgiveness. Instead of going on, and on, and on, one loving thought and action can stop the negativity. That’s powerful!
This week, we are taking steps towards creating this peace. Start your own ripple of love through acts of forgiveness. Talk about it, share this with others… some people don’t know what forgiveness is, and that forgiveness is a choice and how much relief it would give them from anger and pain. Even though forgiveness sometimes seems hard, it’s much harder to live with the sadness and prolonged anger that not forgiving ultimately leads to.
Remember, forgiveness is a choice, and then it becomes a process. By the way, this is a lifelong practice and if you get good at it now, you will have smoother sailing in life. Seas will still be choppy, but you will be able to navigate them better.
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Scarlett Lewis
Chief Movement Officer
Choose Love Movement
